Until Death Do Us Part
by WhostuckLov3
Summary: (MAJOR SPOILERS FOR SEASON 5) If anyone cared to look, they'd see anguish in his eyes. They'd see bitter hatred for the universe and for himself. Spike was alone once again, but this time it hurt more than he imagined. His spark snuffed out, the fire in his heart is gone, and it's all his fault. Spuffy. Oh yeah. There is Spuffy involved. Definitely.


_I'll dance with you, pet, on the Slayer's grave._

Here he was. Alone. A cigarette hanging from his lips with its thin wisps of smoke blended against the cirrus clouds in the night sky, Spike was alone tonight. Tonight there had been no demons, no vampires, no nothing, and it gave him some time to think. As much as it pained him, he thought about the past few weeks.

At first he was angry. Mostly at himself, but he'd blamed the Sccobies. "None of you shed a single tear!" he'd yelled at them. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were relieved she's gone!" He was still bitter about it. He knew they were upset and although Buffy wouldn't have wanted the waterworks, he couldn't bloody well help it. He'd cried, and he'd cried ever since. Sometimes he'd wake up from a dream where he'd saved her, and his face would be wet with his tears. He hated himself for it, but what could he do? She was gone and more than anything, he wished she'd dusted him before she went. Heard it was less painful.

It was never supposed to be this way. If she hadn't been here, he'd still be with Dru probably in Brazil or Argentina feasting on the natives and terrorizing the towns. If she hadn't been here, he and Dru could rule Sunnydale with iron fists, everyone squirming under their command. If she hadn't been here, this void in him wouldn't pulse with pain every damn day. He was a vampire. A creature of the night, for God's sake! She is-was-the Slayer. As in one who slays creatures of the night. He'd killed slayers. She'd killed evil. He never thought...

"Buffy," Spike muttered, tossing his cigarette butt into the grass near her grave. There was a pile there now. He hadn't missed a night here since she'd gone six feet under. "I did some thinking tonight." He let out a breath of air and glanced over his shoulder. "And I... I know you don't wanna hear it, but I really do..." He paused and licked his lips, looking back up to the moon. "I never lied to you, pet. Sure, maybe one or two little lies, but let's be honest here, you lie a lot more to me than I do to you." He laughed bitterly before his mouth settled into its signature smirk. "Guess that's not an option for you anymore, is it?"

He was on good terms with the Scoobies now. There were still reservations on both sides about the other party, but they had started to patrol together. Dawn really only talked to him and Willow. He felt awkward that he was her confidant, of all people, but he had to be there for the little bit. She was in a messed up state and he was probably the bloody duke of messed up states by this point in his existence.

"You hate me," Spike said flatly, his smirk dropping. "I know you do. That doesn't stop me from feelin' the way I do about you. I just... when I think of how I could've done something different... anything different... it just hurts." He tch'ed and looked over at the pile of cigarette butts in the grass. She didn't like his smoking very much. He was already dead. No vampire lung cancer from the death sticks, he'd told her. Well, she could die she'd said. He never thought too much of it. "I want you here, love... more than anything. Even if the first thing you did every morning was clock me in the face, it couldn't compare to..."

He felt that damned feeling begin to well up inside. He swallowed and breathed hard, forgetting he didn't need to. His hands shook until he clenched them into fists at his sides. He clenched and unclenched his jaw.

"D'ya miss it here, love?" he asked, his voice hushed now to a whisper. "Are you in hell? ...Are you in heaven? God, I hope so. You're an angel, Buffy. You're the closest thing to an angel this world ever did see, and you belong in a place fit for it. You belong in a place I can't even imagine..."

First it was one tear, and then it was many. Spike's knees buckled. He ran his palm over his hair and clenched his jaw to stifle his sobs.

"You belong without me, Buffy. I swear on it. I can't stop thinking about how I failed you. You counted on me, and I wasn't there for you. I'm a monster. You can see me as a man. You can see me as a hero, a champion, whatever... I'm a monster forever and always, and I can't bloody change it! I couldn't even save you..."

At this point, he was on his elbows and knees, fists clenched tight, nails drawing blood from his palm. He gritted his teeth as the tears fell. He pounded the ground.

"Can you hear me? Do you even care what I have to say to you? I wish you were here. If I could die and bring you back without the pain of the afterlife, I would die a thousand times. If I had to burn up from the inside out to save you, I would do it without a second thought. Cause God, Buffy... you were the greatest thing in all my years of living alive and dead! Take that away and I'm a pathetic weasel who... cheats at kitten poker..."

He pressed his forehead to the dirt and let himself cry. His whole body shook with sobs. He relived his worst nightmare every day and every night. Forget being a cold, evil bastard. He was weak. Buffy would laugh if she saw him now. He went from trying to kill her to being a sobbing wreck over her grave. He was a sodding loser.

"It's been 23 days since you left, and I'll miss you until I die, I swear on it," he choked between sobs. It was a futile attempt to calm himself down. He just needed a quiet, uniterrupted cry-fest.

Once he regained himself, he sat himself up and wiped away his tears. He sniffed and exhaled, looking away from that awful headstone. He crossed his legs in front of him. He opened his mouth as if to say something but promptly shut it. He had already spouted enough nonsense for the night. He fished out a pack of cigarettes and the lighter from his pocket. He lit another cigarette. There were still a few hours to sunrise, and he considered staying out to watch it.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Oh dear lord this has so much OOC Spike in it. I'm v sorry. I'm bad at characterization (; /_\) I ship Spuffy lots and lots, and while it has it's very unhealthy and awful things, it's bandaged up at this point in the series (comic-verse Season 9/10). I always wondered what happened between 5x22 and 6x01, so I wrote something through Spike. ALSO I know Willow cried too, but it wasn't very obvious. I didn't even notice until I'd rewatched the scene like three times. I just thought she was breathing really heavily. Sorry Alyson. Love your acting! But yeah, Spuffy sadness (because there isn't enough of that already, yeah?)... Lemme know how I did? Feedback and stuff would be awesome! ^_^ Thanks for reading!_**


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